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COLUMNS

Now, Life - March 2008

by Tiffany Peterson

 

I had a very normal suburban upbringing living with my family.  I had an Associate Degree and a Bachelor Degree in business management.  I was a very hard working and successful Senior Network Engineer at a prominent local bank.   My life appeared perfect, but I had a void within me that I couldn’t seem to fill.  I tried finding happiness through making more money, success, and shopping.  Nothing seemed to work and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.  I should have been happy but I felt miserable.

I considered myself a “social drinker.” I went to a wedding with a friend, and apparently I did something pretty bad at the reception. I still have no idea what I did. I must have drunk so much that I blacked out. Losing that friendship with my friend scared me into thinking that maybe I had a drinking problem.  So, I went to an AA meeting.  Everyone there was smoking and had lost their jobs and families. The meeting convinced me much more that I did not have a drinking problem.  I wasn’t like “those people.”  I had a great job, made a lot of money, owned a home and a brand new car. I paid all my bills, never hid my bottles, never drank in the morning, didn’t get drunk every day, never had withdrawals from alcohol, could drink one or two, and so on with excuses. 

However, I did often blackout when I was drinking because I drank too much. I remember looking out my window in the morning to see if my car was there and if it was damaged.  I had two fender benders when I’d been drinking, and I got away each time with no consequences. I had many embarrassing moments with my friends and alone. I promised them each time that I would control my drinking and never get drunk again. I believed it was just wine I had a problem with, so I switched to beer, and to my shock, I actually started to get drunk on beer. Then I promised to never drink more than three glasses of anything. Yet I rationalized that after three glasses of anything, a couple more wouldn’t hurt.  I would argue that I was fine and actually believed it at the time.

This rationalization was working for me, until June 12, 2003.  On that Thursday afternoon I got home from work and had a glass of wine, then a 2nd glass which soon finished the bottle. I then went on a blind date and continued to have a few more glasses of wine. The next thing I remembered was waking up in a hospital bed with my parents looking over me, while the doctor stapled my knee. I saw a sheriff at the end of the bed.  I was so confused, asking what had happened. How did I get here, why was I here, in the hospital? Did I do something wrong? Was I in an accident, or was anyone hurt? No one would say anything. I was so scared and confused. Finally, a chaplain came in and told me I’d been in an accident and killed a 21-year old girl.  I was horrified.  There must be some mistake, I said; I would never ever hurt anyone.

When it started to register what she was saying, I emotionally lost control. The sheriff began reading my rights to me, but before he finished he changed his mind and told me to go home with my parents and try to get stabilized. For the next several days I still couldn’t comprehend what I had just done; my family wouldn’t allow me to be left alone, which made me so angry that I just wanted to die. I so desperately wanted to be dead because of what I had done. I couldn’t understand how I could have been so selfish to think I could get drunk and then try to drive, being foolish enough to think I would never hurt someone.

I had taken away this only child from her parents at the age of 21. I later found out that she was pregnant. So, not only did I take away their only child, but their only grandchild and only chance to become grandparents. I had taken away a man’s fiancé and unborn baby. I hated myself so much and saw no reason for me to live. I hated myself so much and there was no answer to the constant question of why, why her? Why didn’t I die instead? 

A few days later, my brother requested that I go back to church at the Vineyard Community Church. I really did not want to go; I didn’t want people to be nice to me.  Why couldn’t they understand that two people were dead because of a choice I made to get into my car and drive under the heavy influence of alcohol. How could they be nice to me?

Just let me die, I thought.

When I got to the Vineyard, I met Dana Cochran. My life has not been the same since. Before that day, I knew God, but really I was just a “weekend Christian.”  I prayed to Him occasionally and always asked forgiveness after I screwed up. I lived my life throughout the week my way and then apologized to Him on Sunday for how I had behaved. But this conversation with Dana was different. She prayed for my victims’ family. She prayed for their comfort, their peace, and for God to surround them with His love. Dana didn’t pray for me to feel better, which made me love and appreciate her even more. She told me that God didn’t want me to kill myself; that He still had a purpose for my life. That He could still use me and that I wasn’t this insignificant blob who would never ever be able to do anything for Him.

I now realize that God used Dana to speak to me. She was a vessel sent from God to inform me of these things.

The next three months before I went to prison were a blur. My life changed and I was slowly able to talk to God again. I was developing a relationship with Him that I’d never known before. It became so important for me to be baptized before I went to prison, because I “knew that I knew that I knew” - I was a new person in Christ. He was my savior and I wanted everyone to see and feel it. He really did forgive my sins. I couldn’t always feel it, but I did believe it because He told me He would in His word. When I stepped into that water for Dana to baptize me, I felt His love and forgiveness actually wash away my so-called unforgivable sins.

I went to prison and God transformed me while I was there. I no longer just knew of God; I developed a relationship with Him that I’d never known was possible. He changed me in so many ways. I see now that He had to take every material thing away from me to humble me and give me the time, energy and focus to devote to Him. To get to know Him and build our relationship.

When I was released from prison, I chose to go to Christian Inn Ministry (CIM) a Christian-based transitional house, instead of going home with my parents.  I was petrified of returning to the person I was. I didn’t know how to live my life for God with all the other obstacles in life that aren’t in a prison.  I didn’t want to return to the selfish, materialistic person I was. Returning to society was much harder than I’d expected. I really didn’t think I’d have a problem, because I was a productive member of society before I went to prison. I was so wrong. It was very difficult to re-adjust to society, and I had a supportive family, friends, three degrees, and a job history with great recommendations. I couldn’t even imagine what it is like for women with no family, no job history, no education, and nowhere safe to go, only to rely on their former ways of survival.

The day I got home, I was with my family and best friend. It was extraordinary; it felt fantastic. I went to the Vineyard that Sunday for service.  When I walked into the church, the feeling I experienced was indescribable. I felt so loved, so accepted, so understood, and no one said a word about my experiences. I didn’t understand the feeling inside me until a mentor explained it: the presence of the Holy Spirit surrounded me there. I love my family and I know that I am loved by them. Why was it so different at the Vineyard?  It was because they were my new Christian family, my brothers and sisters in Christ. I never understood this truth until that very moment. It really was a new family of God that I had been adopted into.

I began volunteering at CIM. It also exists as a resale furniture store in Woodlawn, Ohiothat provides furniture to women coming out of prison. CIM was a place in which I could help and feel useful. The feeling of God’s presence was overwhelming at the shop.  I loved that feeling and I wanted to be there all the time. I moved into independent shared housing and rented a room, but continued to volunteer at CIM.  I searched everywhere for a job and could not find one that felt right. I prayed that God would open the door to wherever He wanted me to be and close the doors where He didn’t want me. I no longer wanted things to go my way, but His way because I always messed up when I forced things my way.

CIM felt right. Three pastors confirmed that I should stay in ministry and stay at CIM.  God opened a door for me to work at CIM even though the organization did not have any other paid employees. It felt so right and I knew I was finally in His will. The day after I got the job, I was offered my old job back at the bank. It was easy for me to say no because I knew I was where God wanted me at that time. That evening, I attended a spiritual gifts class and learned that I had been using each one of my spiritual gifts at CIM. The teacher had us imagine doing anything in the world we wanted to do if money was no obstacle. I envisioned exactly what I was doing at CIM. God showed me that I’d made the right choice. When I made the decision to choose Him over money, he blessed me beyond words.

He has shown me so many miracles since I accepted Him and gave Him permission to direct my life. I am happier than I’ve ever been in life.  Even though I no longer have the material possessions, the career, success or money that I used to have, I now have God and He has provided for all my needs and filled a void in my life.

*

 

The organization I recently co-founded, Moment to Moment CHOICES, was created on Friday, May 31, 2007. It is absolutely the work of God. On a Friday morning in May, I sensed God telling me to make copies of my testimony that I had given on the radio program, “Water through the Word,” then distribute it for free all around the city. I argued with God: “I couldn't possibly afford the expense of making copies of the CD.” Well, God had a way of providing the dollars for 1000 copies of the CD from a friend.

That was just the beginning.

From there, God performed miracle after miracle to make this ministry a reality and to bring glory to Himself.

I had made my promise to God and to Katy – the woman whose life I took in the car accident – that I would spend the rest of my life telling people the problematic choices I made and yet how God completely transformed me. Now I wondered how exactly I would do that. I knew I would do it, yet I wasn’t sure exactly how I would get the message out. And this, I realized, was my purpose in life.

In March 2007, J.D., a web-designer with his own company, came into my life.  Prior to this, it never occurred to me to use the web to share my testimony. J.D. designed a picture of my car crash to put directly on the CD. We thought this would grab the attention of kids and people that wouldn't normally ever listen to anything “religious”.

J.D. received the vision of the logo and from there J.D. and I formed the ministry called “Moment to Moment CHOICES.”  J.D.’s friend and mentor, musician Lee Behnken, had written a song in the 80’s that sounded as if he had written it all those years ago just for my testimony. So, J.D. called Lee and told him what God was doing. Lee immediately agreed to re-record the song and even added some lyrics specifically for our ministry.

The very next day, the three of us went to Mike, a producer with a professional recording studio, and Lee recorded “Forgiveness is Mine,” a song about how God forgives us for everything we do and how He even helps us forgive ourselves for what we can’t forgive ourselves for doing. Lee also has an invitation to come to know Jesus Christ that he asked me to use and record on the CD. On the recording, Lee’s also provided an invitation he’s created for people to come to Jesus. Amazingly, my three new acquaintances all came together in this miraculous fashion: J.D., the web-designer; Lee, the musician and songwriter (www.leebehnken.com); and Mike, a producer – all in one week! J.D. created the website www.mtmchoices.org, with many goals to be fulfilled. We will be confronting and challenged by many moment to moment choices that people face, and the site will link individuals to what the Bible says about each different topic.

Our ministry has expanded to include many other extraordinary people and we now have a board of directors and we officially launched our ministry at a banquet on September 1, 2007.  We have been spreading this CD around Greater Cincinnati and southwest Ohio. We will distribute it nationally, as the organization grows.

Our vision is to use this CD to go around the city to schools, youth groups, churches, camps, prisons, and those to whom God leads us. My prayer is to get invitations to speak about drinking and driving and to share what God has done in my life, how He has completely transformed me into a better and happier person than I ever was.

I desperately want to share this message and for God to use me to spread His good news.

Moment to Moment CHOICES (www.mtmchoices.org) exists to encourage men, women, and children to trust Jesus and to consider a Biblical perspective for making moment-to-moment choices.

Tiffany Peterson